


I Didn't Want to Be Back Alive

by evening_spirit



Series: Year of Hell 'verse [1]
Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Gen, Written in 2006, warning: suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-08
Updated: 2011-06-08
Packaged: 2017-10-20 06:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/209610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evening_spirit/pseuds/evening_spirit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Depression sucks and it doesn't just go away. My take on season 2.5, mostly from Lee's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Didn't Want to Be Back Alive

SUMMARY: Depression sucks and it doesn't just go away. My take on season 2.5, mostly from Lee's POV.

DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the  _Battlestar Galactica_ do not belong to me.

Great THANK YOU! to Tracyj23 for beta.

NOTE: Spoilers through season 2.5. The story started as a coda to  _Resurrection Ship Part II_ ; it picks up right after Kara and Lee conversation in the bunkroom.

NOTE 2: Written in 2006.

 **I Didn't Want To Be Back Alive**  
***

 **Chapter 1: Wrong Way**

***

"What did you just say?" she asked, slightly dazed.

He looked back, and for a split second his lifeless expression faded into… something. Some vague emotion, that Kara was unable to put a name to. And then he blinked and it was gone – his eyes were dull yet again.

"That I didn't know if I'd be back alive."

Kara was sure it was  _not_  what she had heard earlier. She drew in a breath and slowly let it out. It was too unsettling; the implications his words had. She knew she had to say something, but it was hard to gather her thoughts.

"Lee…"

He rose, and sat next to her, rubbing his face as if he wanted to pull his skin off. So she breathed in and started again, this time more insistently.

" _That_  was not what…"

"Don't ...!" he interrupted, looking up at her, his eyes suddenly fierce, burning holes in hers. " ...go there. Kara."

All certainty that she managed to bunch up, disappeared in an instant. He didn't want to discuss it either. That didn't surprise her. She shook her head as he looked away from her. What was going on with him? What the heck happened? He wasn't himself, that's for sure. The Lee Adama  _she_  knew wouldn't… he didn't want to come back alive? What in the name of Hades was  _that_  supposed to mean? She had to know. It was her obligation, as a friend!

"Lee…" she put her hand on his back, somewhat reluctantly, and he flinched. "Is there something bothering you?"

"Is there something bothering  _you_?" He turned the question against her, angrily. That caught her off guard. "Because there must be something! Obviously. You were ordered to… kill that woman. And then you were called off. And then she died anyway. Plus your eulogy… What was that about?" he demanded. "What was it supposed to mean? You basically messed my father with dirt."

"I didn't say anything that might…" she tried to defend herself, but he wouldn't let her.

"You so did! Not directly, but he knew exactly what you meant. And so did I!"

"How do you know what he…" she tried different approach, but was interrupted once more.

"No, come on! If she was such an idol for you, why would you… do what you were told to? I don't get it! And why did you look up to her so? What did she… ?"

Kara got up, having heard too much. These last few days were crazy enough, and she needed some time alone to sort things out. This ridiculous argument wasn't helpful. "Stop it Lee" she warned, but he just didn't get it.

"Oh, there it is" he pressed on. "So what's bothering you Thrace? What…"

"Lee, Stop!" she shouted. "That does it! I don't want to talk about it!"

"Why?"

"Because."

They eyed each other for a moment long enough to let Kara think she won. Long enough to make her wonder why they were fighting at all. Where and how did this fight began? And as realization struck her, he switched on the offensive defensive mode again.

"That's not good enough" he said slowly, and she was amazed once more just how good he was at reading her. How he knew what she was about to say. And how he knew how to prevent that. "That doesn't explain anything." He got up, and approached her till they were face to face. "She got to your very core, didn't she Kara? Really struck a chord inside. You've always had a thing for powerful women. Those who wouldn't hesitate to murder civilians if they were in her way…"

"Those are just rumors!" she tried to interrupt, half aware that she was being led away. He continued to run with it.

"… or beat the crap out of you, if you disobeyed an order."

"What?" she asked incredulously.

"You wanted her to become your new mom! You were so happy to be this little CAG baby of mighty Admiral Cain! You were just waiting for her to smack you, just like…"

Before she knew it, her fist landed in his jaw. Oh, he crossed the line, and he crossed it way too far!

He tripped over a chair as he staggered backwards and fell onto the floor. She sat on his back, and started hitting, and hitting, her fury seeking release… until she realized he wasn't fighting back. He just lay curled in the fetal position.

She got up, feeling disgust. Hate and disgust. "You know nothing about me. Nothing!" she spat at him.

"Don't I?" He turned to face her, and wiped blood from his mouth. "Your actions speak for you, Thrace."

No. She wanted to yell, to hit him again, and beat the crap out of him. But wasn't that what he'd just said? Did that mean he was right? That the Admiral…  _No_! She turned away from him. She remembered the conversations she and Cain had had.

"She wanted to go back" Kara started explaining. "That's why I thought we should have followed her. She wanted to go to Caprica, and fight. Fight back."

"Fight back? Against thousands… tens of thousands of cylons? That's insane." He got up from the floor and was now standing behind her. She was unable to turn and face him.

"There's a resistance," she muttered.

"That's still insane. But it shouldn't surprise me, you  _are_  insane. Some resistance – twenty men, who don't even know how to use a weapon!"

"At least they have courage! Which we don't!" She finally turned to look up at him. "We fled, and they… they fight, but they're alone. Brave, but alone."

"Oh, don't cry on me Kara," he mocked. "I might think their courage moved your heart."

"It did! Yes, frak, Lee, it did! Samuel Anders moved my heart, like no one before, not even your brother!" If she'd wanted to hurt him, she'd certainly found the right words. She stopped, realizing what she'd just said. And at the look on his face - shocked, stunned, refusing to believe. Even more now, than the day she first told him about Zak failing his basic flight.

"You…" he started, but couldn't find the right words.

"Yes. I'm in love," she replied with disconcerting cruelty. "I met this guy, so gentle, yet so courageous. And I fell in love. And I want to go back there to save him. Even if it was only him, I would go. If it was to cost me my life, I would go. I promised him, I'd be back. And I will."

"Okay," he said flatly. "Good." And with that he turned away and left the quarters. And left her totally dismayed.

 

***

 **Chapter 2: Confessor**

***

He didn't expect a blow like that. But then – what  _did_ he expect? Lee only wanted… He wasn't even sure what he wanted. He only knew that he  _didn't_ want to talk about the accident. Because that's what it was – an accident. His ship collided with a raider, he ejected, and nearly lost all his oxygen before the rescue arrived. That was all there was. He didn't need Kara to muse over some nonexistent problems.

But this time he pushed her away too hard. And she pushed back – the ordinary course of things

Then why did it make him so mad that she had feelings for this… Anders guy? Lords, she had every right to move on with her life! Endless living in the past didn't do anyone any good. And that's all he was to her – a reminiscence of his dead brother. That was all that ever bonded them together, and he should just back off now. But somehow that thought made him even more miserable.

He realized he was running. He had no idea if he started right after he darted out of the bunkroom, or maybe somewhere along the way, but he was running now. Faster, faster. Passing faceless people, pushing them out of his way, until he lost his breath. Until he couldn't breath. Until he nearly suffocated. He wanted to suffocate! But his body refused to let him. He leaned on the bulkhead, breathing heavily, trying to recognize his surroundings. Lee had no idea how long he was running, and where it got him, but after a few breaths he realized he was on the lower level. The exercise room was nearby. He could lash out some more of his frustration there.

He jogged a few sections, and entered the gym. It was empty – much to his relief.

But he no longer felt like punching the bag. Or doing anything equally stupid for that matter. He just sat on the bench, his head in his hands, trying not to think, not to feel. He let his anger, disappointment and self-pity be consumed by this void… vacuum, that somehow built itself up in his gut. And then it didn't feel that bad anymore. It didn't hurt. At least until soft footsteps darted into his negligence. He refused to lift his eyes up and acknowledge whoever was there…

"Captain?"

… but he recognized the voice. He couldn't mistake it for anyone else's.

"Captain, are you alright?"

"What can I do for you, Dee?" He eyed her, and she seemed a little abashed. Wonder why? – he thought, but there was no real curiosity to it.

"I just…" she hesitated. "I was looking for you." Lee frowned, and continued to watch her questioningly.

Dualla shot a quick glance behind her, as if assuring herself that she could still escape, gathered herself together and started talking: "When you were… out there… I was calling you. Did you hear that? I'm asking, because…" she looked at her feet, obviously ashamed of poking her nose where it didn't belong. But she was determined at the same time. "Because you weren't answering, but I could swear, that… at the end… I heard you speak. Something along the lines of 'I'm sorry'. That would mean you were conscious. And that you heard me. But you didn't respond." She looked up. "Why?"

That was a direct question. One he couldn't escape from. So he got up from the relatively comfortable place on the bench and approached her. "I…" he started, unsure of what to say. "I don't remember much, really. But I think I did hear you. It's just that… so much was happening. I was… hanging there… in the vacuum." He drifted off, losing grip on reality. "With all that battle going on beneath me… or maybe above, I don't know. Complete silence. It was so… distant, detached. And I was there and… I noticed this hole," he looked down, at this spot where the puncture was, touched it, unaware of his moves, his mind going back to those moments in space. "…the air was leaking. So I pressed." He stopped talking, trying to recall what happened next. "It was so odd. I was sitting there, watching explosions, lights… bright, so many colors, terrifyingly beautiful. And something in my head just snapped. Just snapped" he repeated in a whisper. "And I let go." He lifted his palm, and looked at it, amazed. "It was that simple, you know. One move."

They both stood in silence for a moment, Lee only half aware of the fact that there was somebody else beside him, Dualla scared and transfixed. When Lee continued his voice was barely audible. "It started getting cold. And I thought… it felt… good. It felt like the right thing to do, the right thing to happen. I felt released. Relieved. Everything was about to be beyond me. I was anticipating that moment, I was ready to welcome death with my arms open. And it came. And that felt… it didn't feel. It was… I didn't have to think, worry, be scared… breathe. I didn't have to." Again he fell silent, recalling that very moment, he didn't really remember. Dee didn't interrupt. "But then I was forced to breathe again" Lee whispered after a while. "And that hurt." He stared at a woman before him, who just totally didn't understand. Her eyes full of compassion, her lips trembling slightly. But there was no way anyone could understand.

She touched his arm, and it was like an electric shock. He cringed, shifted away. "Did you… really want that?" she asked hesitantly, and Lee immediately knew she didn't want the truth. She wanted consolation.

"Did I want to die?" He made sure that was what she was asking about. "No. It was just that moment, that place… coincidences. In fact I still can't quite comprehend what's gotten into me…" He shook his head, suddenly choking on words.

"Did you talk to anyone about it?" Dee asked carefully.

Lee took in a deep breath, and composed himself. He even managed to look her in the eye and smile.

"I'm not talking to you now?"

"That's not what I meant" she bowed her head, but he couldn't help but notice the shy smile on her face. The tension was slightly eased, probably praise was what she needed, to drop the subject. Just like all Kara needed, was a hard blow in the face. Physical or mental. Lee pushed a little harder. "But that's what actually helps. I doubt there is anyone on that ship, that I could unburden my heart to like this. You have that… gift. Of listening to people talk. I guess it comes with the job" he joked again, wondering how, in the name of Hades, he manage to sound believable. But she believed.

"You can talk to me anytime."

"I'll take it under consideration. But now I…" He gestured towards the exit. Another wave of choking inability to formulate comprehensible sentences was approaching rapidly. "Defense classes?"

"Sure."

"It's a date." And with that he fled.

 

***

 **Chapter 3: Straying**

***

What the frak? What did he want? What…

Crap!

He'd gotten her mind so fogged, she could barely remember her own call-sign.

"It's Starbuck" she had to say it out loud.

" _Just about done with you, Starbuck"_  The male voice echoed in her mind.  _That's when she knew he was a cylon…_ What? Why did this memory resurface now? What did it have to do with anything? Except for Anders maybe.

No. No no no, she had to focus on Lee. There was something about Lee, that she needed to uncover… She told him about Anders, because she wanted to repay him – not that she consciously planned it, it was more like combat; an instinctive response – repay him for the pain his words caused. His words about what Cain supposedly meant for her.

How could he? He brought back things she shared with him in a moment of her greatest weakness. Things she made him forget about, under a threat. And he did. He did – for years. This subject had never come up between them, but today. Why? Why did he intend to hurt her so deeply? If he only knew what would really hurt…

For many weeks she was hesitating whether to confide in him about Caprica. About the origin of the scar… the Scar. Now she was glad she didn't. Because if he used that against her, it might break her. It was breaking her to even remember… So she decided not to remember.

Oh, her mind was so fogged she couldn't concentrate.  _Lee, why are you doing this to me? Why are you hurting me so much? Why can't things just be normal?_ He said he didn't want to live.  _Not even for me? Lee? Not even for me? Because I would…_ If she ever hit rock-bottom, the reason to climb up would be Lee Adama – that's how she felt. It was not love. Not some adolescent affection, just… the only constant in her life.

Constant that seemed to falter.

She'd always thought Lee Adama was the toughest man alive. That his principles and values would get him safely through the worst times possible.

If  _he_ was faltering then how was  _she_ supposed to endure all this? She – who never had principles to be supported by. She was all about breaking them. Was that enough to get by? She knew it wasn't, but otherwise there was nothing.

Enough! Enough thinking. Thinking was never Kara Thrace's strongest point. She always found it easier to work it out – to burn the despair and fear in physical exhaustion.

She jolted out of the bunkroom, and headed to the gym.

"Starbuck" a voice called her.

" _Just about done with you, Starbuck…"_ if that was going to drag on like this, she was going to have to change her call-sign. But this time it was a friendly voice – Commander Adama's. She recognized him before turning to face him.

"Sir."

"What do you hear, Starbuck?"

"Nothing…" Just nothing.

He frowned.

"… but the rain" she finished quickly, not even knowing why she did that. She didn't want him to frown, that's why. But then – he should. There was something terribly wrong going on with his son!

His face relaxed, hearing their usual greeting, but his eyes remained alert. She was used to that thought of him being able to read her mind. But really – he couldn't. She had that proven to him a couple of times. One of them – when she told him she was going back to Caprica, and he didn't… She banished that thought once more.

"I wanted to talk to you Starbuck, before I make it an official announcement. Are you busy now, or can we…"

"No. I'm not busy."

"Then let's go to my quarters."

"I want to reinstate Lee as Captain and CAG of  _Galactica_ " he said, pouring her a glass of water. "I also want Tyler to reassume his post of CAG onboard  _Pegasus_. And I want you back here, in my Viper." He handed her the glass, and couldn't not notice that her hand slightly shook. "Is there a problem?"

Isn't there? What should she say? How should she tell him, that his son wasn't well enough for the job! She hesitated one second too long, and he sat down beside her, watching her closely. Now there was no escape. And there really shouldn't be, because he was Lee's father, and she was Lee's friend, and who else would take care of him, if not the two of them? But it was somehow difficult to say it out loud, after all the fierce hatred it caused between her and Lee, just a few minutes before. It would be so much easier if Bill Adama could read her mind!

"I don't think Lee is fit enough for the job" she said finally, hating the way her voice rung out as the words came out. She knew exactly how she sounded, and how the Commander – no, Admiral! she just realized, staring at his new shiny insignia – would take them. He'd been promoted to Admiral! He took over Cain's position… She completely forgot what she was thinking about, and only the words of now _Admiral_ Adama brought her back.

"Kara, I know that Admiral Cain had great trust in you. And I do not undermine her decisions, or her opinion of you. You know I couldn't value anyone more. But I want you to be a pilot. To still be my best pilot. Without all the burden of paper work, that Lee so complains about, without the responsibility for all the pilots, the way the CAG must be responsible. You are the kind of pilot, who needs to be free. Then your performance is the best. That's why I'm demoting you. It's not meant as an insult."

"I know that," Kara breathed out. She felt horrible. "It's just…" she had to say it. She had to say it. "Lee…" she couldn't say it. "You should talk to him first. Before you make the final decision. You should make sure he can handle that." She couldn't look him in the eye, her heart pounding as she waited for his response.

"I know he can," the Admiral answered slowly after a long moment of hesitation. Kara looked up, and saw confidence in the Old Man's eyes. Confidence in his son, obviously. "Whatever is troubling him, he's strong enough to fight it, and do his job, nonetheless. It's a matter of principles, he believes in them, and he won't let us down."

Kara slowly nodded, praying to the Lords that this was true. That this was enough.

"But I will talk to him" Adama ended with a smile that she so cherished. A reassuring smile of a loving father. And she smiled too.

 

***

 **Chapter 4: Out Of Sight**

***

To Lee it seemed that the first thing the newly promoted Admiral did, was to reinstate his son to the rank of the Captain and  _Galactica's_ CAG. There even was a small formal procedure, with two Adamas and Colonel Tigh present, but the XO left pretty quickly excusing himself with his duties in CIC. So it was the Admiral and his Captain now.

Or maybe the father and the son? It seemed so set up by the Admiral and the XO – to leave the two of them alone.

"How have you been doing Lee?" the older Adama asked. Ah, so it was a father-son confrontation.

"Okay, I guess."

"Are you still angry with me?"

"It's not the matter of me being angry or not" Lee answered tiredly. "And you know that. Because you're not going to explain your motivation to me now, as you weren't then. Because it doesn't even matter, I don't think you would convince me, and convincing me is not the point either. So… No. I'm not angry."

"You know that I changed my mind? That I called Kara off?" Adama sat on the couch and gestured for Lee to join him.

"I do."

"Your words had a lot to do with that."

Lee just sighed. As if it mattered! He just wanted to go back to his reports. He needed to look through Tyrol's list of malfunctions in…

"When are you going to be back in the Viper?" His father's voice brought him back to reality. Admiral was looking directly at him, with his most dissecting stare.

"Soon" Lee replied warily. "I guess."

"Guess? Didn't I mention that I reinstated you to your CAG office as well?"

"You did."

"So it's your call."

Lee nodded.

"Did you talk to Kara?" Admiral asked, and Lee cringed. What was the Old Man relaying to? And why the sudden change of subject?

"About?"

"She was the CAG, and now you're back…"

"To be honest I didn't think about it. But you just reinstated me, how would she know?"

"I spoke to her yesterday" Adama stopped abruptly, it was so obvious he wanted to add something, but he seemed to wait for Lee's reaction. When there was none, he gazed at his son again. And continued. "I didn't want her to be caught off guard by this decision, so I told her. I'm surprised she didn't tell you."

"Maybe she didn't want to spoil the surprise" Lee answered. To be honest he haven't seen Kara yet, since… well, since their clash.

"Maybe." The Admiral rose to his feet and walked across the room, to the book shelf. And stood there with his back to his son.

Lee felt more and more uncomfortable, the tension was beyond his endurance.

"She objected?" he finally asked. His father was most definitely aiming at something, but didn't want to reveal it.

"If she did, that's between me and her."

"What did she tell you?" Lee couldn't bear any more, and his question came out much more accusatory, than he intended.

"Was she supposed to tell me something?" Adama turned, and gazed at Lee again. With his stare, that was so piercing, as if it could penetrate to the very heart of the person he was talking to. Lee wavered.

"Well… No."

"Is there a problem of which she knows and I do not?"

"No. There is no problem."

The Admiral was looking at Lee really long and really intense. But all of the sudden Lee wasn't afraid of that stare anymore. He withheld it with steadiness that he didn't expect to find within himself. And finally the older Adama consented.

"Good." He nodded, sighing. "That's what I told her. And now I'm asking you – the CAG – when are you getting back into the cockpit?"

The return of that subject was – again – a bit sudden.

"I… I need to get through some evals, before I'd get clearance for flight."

"I know that. So when do you plan those evals?"

"Uh" Lee hesitated. "In a few days."

"Could you be more specific?" the Admiral insisted. "I need to know whom I can count on if the cylons chose to strike again."

"The day after tomorrow." It was the first term that crossed Lee's mind.

"Alright then, Captain" the Admiral was all business now. "You're on forty-eight hours leave, effective now. Then report to Helo, and he'll supervise your evaluation."

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Meanwhile…" the Admiral hesitated, and looked up at his son again. "Lee, get some rest." In his eyes the younger Adama saw genuine concern.

"Excuse me?" he gasped.

"Rest. Son. You look tired as hell, and you could really use some relaxation. Gods know you haven't had a spare time over the last six months, and I know that too. Use that day off well. There is a supply ship for  _Cloud Nine_  ready to launch in an hour. Go there, return tomorrow, and be ready to get back to your responsibilities."

They eyed each other for a second, and then Lee slowly nodded.

"Yes, sir."

 

***

 **Chapter 5: Second Look**

***

"I got transferred to the  _Pegasus_!"

Lee stopped in his tracks, hearing Starbuck's angry voice in the corridor. "I know," he replied, before turning to her. Her green eyes burned, and her lips shuddered as she sought for words. Kara Thrace speechless, that was a new one.

"Of course you know" she finally admitted softly. "It was your decision."

"Then follow your orders, Captain." With a slight nod, he turned to leave, but she caught his arm.

"Lee."

"Something else you wanted?" Alright, so he'd avoided her those last few days. And to be honest, he intended to avoid her even longer if that was necessary. And yes, he wanted to send her off to  _Pegasus_ , to be able to avoid her more effectively. But no, he couldn't admit that to her now. He couldn't ever.

She inhaled, staring at him intently. And then she pulled her courage together. "About the other day…" she started, but he interrupted her, putting a hand up to stop her.

"We don't need to…"

"Yes we do!" She paid back with a cut-off of her own. "Yes we do, because…"

"We don't," he said firmly.

They both fell silent. Conversation like that – constant interruptions – wasn't leading anywhere. Like all their conversations for that matter.

"Lee…" Kara pleaded, but he didn't need to elaborate on that.

"Is that all?" he asked coldly. "Because if it is, I have duties."

"You're pissed."

"No, I'm not."

"Oh, don't deny it Apollo!" she screamed, and immediately held herself back. "Just listen to me, you doorknob!" she stated definitely this time.

His brows jumped up in involuntary curiosity. Doorknob?

"Sorry. What I want to say, Lee, is that I'm sorry about everything I said to you that day. I shouldn't have. You needed…"

"Kara" he stopped her again. He really didn't want to get back to that subject! "It's okay. I'm not pissed, I hold no grudge against you. And well… truth be told, I should be the one apologizing." He remembered how rudely he'd tried to get rid of her nagging right then. He remembered, and it made him feel even more ugly inside.

"I don't hold any grudge either" she assured him with a small smile.

"You don't?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Great." He tried to smile to. "Friends?" He reached out his hand.

"Sure." She took it, and their eyes met; her smile widened in the most beautiful Kara Thrace way. If he could only feel the warmth that smile always brought to his heart…

"I'm glad." He sighed, fighting the lump in his throat. "And I really have to get going. See you around."

She nodded, and he turned and walked away quickly. And then Kara realized something was wrong. "Lee!" she called. "We haven't…"  
But he was already gone. She made a mental note to press him harder the next time. But how? How indeed…

"You transferred Starbuck to  _Pegasus_." The Admiral looked up from his desk, at his son's greeting.

"I did. And she already gave me a reprimand on that."

The Admiral eyed the Captain suspiciously. Reprimand?

"Oh, you know Starbuck" Lee shook his head, avoiding his father's gaze. "You know how she gets when she's pissed."

"Could a couple of days in command…" Admiral's voice trailed off.

"It's not that." Lee looked up, surprised by his tone. "It's just her. Nothing I wasn't used to, really."

"It didn't do her any good. I wonder what Cain really wanted to achieve with Starbuck?" Adama paused, and looked up at his son. "We won't know that." Lee didn't even bat an eyelid. "Starbuck is not a leader-type" Adama continued after a moment, "but she might have enjoyed being CAG too much to just get over it now."

"You're overreacting. If she's upset about something, I'm sure it's not losing the leadership." Lee looked straight in his father's eyes, and didn't falter, though he  _knew_ it was his condition that bothered Kara. But his father didn't know that. He really didn't. So it was safe to discuss Kara Thrace's troubles with the Old Man. "But you're right she's not going to get over it, and she really shouldn't. You can't just put her back where she was before. She's a Captain now, and that also changes things."

"Of course it does. I never said it didn't. And I'm aware that she  _is_ the next in line for the position, so it could just be a matter of time." The Admiral didn't even shrug, but Lee felt creepy. She could take over the Command of Air Group if he died. And the way his father delivered this line, betrayed Admiral's complete lack of concern. They were at war – Lee had to remind himself. No sentiments here. He swallowed, forcing himself to listen to his CO. "It's just the way it was done, that makes me feel uneasy about the whole situation. Nevertheless moving her to  _Pegasus_ wasn't what I expected. And I want her back."

Lee shrugged. "If you say so."

"I say so. Not right away, don't make it look unprofessional. Let her stay there… a couple of weeks."

"Yes, sir. Anything else?"

"Actually yes. I just read Dr. Cottle's report. From the rescue mission." Lee frowned and looked at the Admiral questioningly. " _Your_ rescue mission."

 _Ah, that_ – Lee thought and felt strange coldness. "And?" he asked, struggling to sound indifferent.

"It says you were resuscitated."

"That's right."

"There wasn't anything about it in…" Adama hesitated, and then finished quickly. "In the report I got from the CAG."

"I didn't find it significant," Lee started, and at the sight of his father's risen eyebrows, continued frantically. "There were so many things going on that day, that… I had to brief all the reports, so you wouldn't get tons of paper on your desk. C'mon, that's my job! That's what I do. I take pilot's reports and write what's essential in them for you to read."

"And you thought that the fact that the pilot's heart stopped, was not significant?"

Lee fell silent for a second. Looking at it that way… if it was about another pilot… But it wasn't.

"It didn't change anything. I'm alive," he stated.

But the Admiral wasn't even looking at him, dashing through some documents. "You didn't get clearance for flight after your evals?" he asked, but it was more a statement that a question. They both knew how lousy Lee's physicals were.

"No."

"Good. I want doctor Cottle's opinion beforehand."

Lee sighed. "Yes sir."

"And that would be all" Adama said, still not looking up at his son.

"Thank you, sir." Lee nodded, and saluted. When he turned to leave, the Admiral's voice caught him again.

"One more thing." It was strangely soft, and Lee felt his stomach twist. Was it going to be another fatherly advice? "The President asked to let you know, she's expecting you on Colonial One."

Lee was astounded. For a moment he didn't know how to respond. The President. She was dying.

"I know," he breathed finally. "I got a message from Billy Keikeya. I just… Didn't have time lately."

"Find time."

Dee pinned him to the floor again.

"You're really getting good at it," Lee observed. "I guess we can call it a day. I've got to take a look at the roster, and take another shot at my physical."

"You didn't get the clearance for flight yet?"

"No." He went to his locker, but didn't open it.

"How is it going?" he heard her asking softly. The question was inevitable. She asked it each time they had classes. Each time the same, each time as annoying.

"Better," he smiled, turning around, and looking up at her.

"Better?"

"Yeah, you know… I'm…" he hesitated. He sat down on a bench, and she followed him immediately. Her presence was sometimes like 7g in a cockpit. There were days when he would figure out some more or less believable story, that would satisfy her caring nature, but there were also days when his mind was empty. Just empty. "Ups and downs, you know."

"Yeah." She touched his arm lightly, trying to be comforting. "Today is…" she hesitated, and he had no idea what to say. "You're nervous about the evals?"

"Yeah" Lee sighed, and nodded. True or not – it was some explanation, so he picked up on the subject. "Actually it got complicated, the Admiral… well it figures he didn't know I was resuscitated, and only just found out, so he's going to make it harder to pass. Whatever," he shrugged. He really didn't care, but somehow she thought he did.

"I'm sure you'll pass them soon, you're getting stronger, and all." She kept stroking his arm. "You'll be in a cockpit in no-time." He smiled at her. A forced smile, but it was better than nothing. "You miss it, don't you?"

"I do" he lied. "Thank you Dee. I would be miserable without you" he lied again. He needed to do it. It was the only way to make her forget about that conversation when he told her too much.

She beamed on him. She was a beautiful creature, if he could only notice any beauty these days. "You know you can count on me," she whispered.

"I do. You're the best. I gotta run." He got up abruptly, took his stuff from the locker, slammed it shut, and walked to the exit. All in one move.

"See you next time" she called after him, and he waved, not even turning back. It was getting hard to breathe. Maybe if he'd stay with her long enough, he'd suffocate finally. But no. She'd most likely do a mouth-to-mouth on him if that happened. And the last thing he needed was to be resuscitated all over again!

 

***

 **Chapter 6: Memories**

***

NOTE: It's pre "Black Market", but set before "Epiphanies". I know it's confusing, but try to ignore me.

***

Silence of the early hours, right before sunrise. A steady breath of someone laying right beside. Warmth of her body.

The only part of it that wasn't existent was this about the sunrise. There was no sunrise. There was no sun. There was cold space all around, but for the thin walls made of metal, plastic, some carbon components maybe. So thin. So fragile. It was so easy to break it, to suck the air into the vacuum, let it spread, particle by particle. Into nothingness.

And suffocate everyone inside that tiny can that was a starship.

So easy.

Lee lay still, beside a blonde woman. It was almost five in the morning and he couldn't stop to marvel at how long he had slept. They were frakking until midnight, and then he curled up behind her, smelling her hair. It smelled like some forgotten annihilated flowers. He fell asleep, and didn't wake up until four. The magic hour – he was calling it these days. There was no way he'd sleep past four a.m. It was also rare that he fell asleep before four a.m. so he could say this was a good night actually.

A weird night. Not the first, but it still made him wonder how he ended up in a hooker's bed. Not that it was against rules and regulations, but it was certainly against common ethics. To add the load, there was a five-year-old girl in the next room. And that was even weirder. When the initial shock of seeing a child in a hooker's apartment passed, when he no longer wanted to run from Siobhan's place as far as the other end of the Galaxy – it was Paya, who brought him back here. It was the thought of her, the willingness to pay her mother, because maybe it would make the girl's life a little less awful. An illusion of charity.

He was never good with kids. He never wanted to be in fact. He was never good even to his brother, when Zak was a kid. There was this constant punching, and pushing, and telling him to "go away" when he played his oh-so-grown-up games. Until the divorce. The divorce had changed everything. He missed Zak. He missed his little brother so painfully it was impossible to bear.

He couldn't think about Zak now.

So Paya… Kids… He never wanted to have kids. He always knew he was never  _going to_ have kids. Gianne wanted. She never pretended differently, she kept telling how she'd love to love this little creature with his eyes, and her smile. He always changed the subject then. She was good to him , and he didn't want to lose her. But one day, when he was in a bad mood, or maybe she was more persistent… or maybe she was actually pregnant – that thought hit him the next day, but then it was too late – one day he dismissed her with outstanding cruelty. And they never saw each other again.

So he didn't have kids. At least not ones he'd be aware of. And certainly no living ones now, after the end of the world.

"You're awake?" a soft voice asked. He turned to face Siobhan.

"I'm thinking."

"What about?"

"A girl."

Siobhan fell silent, looked down at her palm, resting upon his chest.

"Is she pretty?" she asked calmly. Lee waited a moment with response. Here he was, in bed with a woman, and he was thinking about another. But this woman wasn't supposed to hurt over that. She was a hooker. He didn't have to lie.

"Yeah" he answered. "Yes, she was. Blonde. Had green eyes." So much like Kara.

"Was it…" Siobhan looked up at his face "before the end of the world?"

"No. Some time earlier." He was to tired to count months. Or years maybe – he did not remember, past was a blur. "It was probably the only time in my life that I was quite close to having a kid of my own."

Siobhan smiled knowingly, and cast a glance behind her, at the curtain separating her daughter's room.

"And Paya reminded you of her?"

"I guess."

They were silent for a little while, Siobhan caressing his chest with delicate strokes.

"You're still in love with her, aren't you?"

Lee didn't answer. No, he wasn't in love with Gianne, he didn't even miss her really. In fact he didn't even  _think_ about her for months. After they parted that day, and she never called, he never called; he spared maybe two thoughts on her. Truth be told, he wasn't even in love with her when they were together. He was with her because she reminded him – physically – of Kara.

"You miss her, that's obvious" Siobhan misunderstood his silence. "We all left someone behind in the Colonies. When we started that journey, that was supposed to last three weeks, or three days. We all said goodbye to someone, and left them behind. But this journey doesn't last three weeks, it lasts… a lifetime. And we miss those who stayed."

Lee gazed at her. There was something weird about Siobhan. A philosophical hooker. But it was appealing in a way too. She must have suffered so much, since the cataclysm, for a brief moment Lee wondered what she was doing earlier. He was pretty sure she was not selling her sexuality.

But he wasn't curious enough to ask. Instead he pulled the strand of hair off of her cheek, and pulled her to a kiss. And they started making love. Again. Slow, relaxing love, drained of passion.

 

***

 **Chapter 7: Ultimate Forgiveness**

***

NOTE: The missing scene from "Epiphanies".

***

The Life Station was still, like a breathless emptiness of space. No one moved, as if everything was frozen. Not a breath, not a sound, not a light.

Not true.

There were lights. Soft, dimmed not to disturb the dying woman. Her cancer spread to some parts of her brain, and too bright light might cause her pain. There were sounds. Constant beeping of the machines supporting her fragile life. Supported by the machines in the last hours of her life – how ironic. Luckily those weren't sentient machines. There was breath. She was breathing with audible difficulty. The cancer in her lungs was stealing the air, almost like the space vacuum.

There were people. But they were moving cautiously, carefully. The nurses, walking around her still form, watching the machines, checking for any signs of rebellion. Only this wouldn't be machines' rebellion. It would be a rebellion of her dying body.

There were visitors. Billy, and the Admiral. The latter seated at her bedside, unmoving. Not one move.

Lee stood in the hatch, hesitating. He didn't want to come in. He knew he should, he knew he should have – long time before, when she was still on Colonial One –but he didn't want to. One more thing he didn't want to do.

But he had to – sense of duty.

He stepped closer, approached the transparent curtain of the oxygen tent. Billy noticed him, and came out.

"She's asleep" he whispered. Not a sound.

"I would come later…" Lee hesitated, because he knew…

"There will be no later" Billy spoke the thought aloud.

There will be no later.

"You may sit beside her, till she wakes up. She'd appreciate that."

"I'll do it." Lee nodded.

The Admiral heard them, and came out too.

"Glad you could make it" he said with a harsh voice. There wasn't approval in it – it was resentment. Glad you  _finally_ made it. When it's too late. That's what he meant. Lee didn't answer, so William Adama turned to Billy. "I must go to CIC, but I will get back soon."

Billy nodded. There was this silent understanding between the two men, who loved this woman the most.

"Stay with her" Billy whispered again. Lee saw clearly how broken he was, how crumpled and small despite his tall figure. He left, and Lee stayed.

There was no choice now, he had to step in. Had to sit at her side, and watch her die, even if only for a few minutes. But then – was there ever a choice? Ever?…

"Captain Apollo." He heard her faint whisper after a whole eternity.

"Ma'am President."

"I'm so glad you found tome to visit me." What was it in her voice? It was too weak to have any tone, and her eyes were too tired to have any expression. Was she really glad? Was she resentful like his father? Or was she simply indifferent?

"I'm sorry I didn't do that earlier."

"I know. You were busy" she said, and he thought she was disappointed. "I had so much to tell you" her words confirmed that suspicion. And then she smiled the way only Laura Roslin would smile. Knowingly, but at the same time surprised by her own wisdom.

"Yes. I was busy" he lied, disgusted by the silence between them. But the lie was even more disgusting.

She only looked at him then. Only looked for a very long moment, that he didn't dare disturb. She knew it was a lie. She knew him best. She always did.

"Don't grieve" she whispered. "I leave the Fleet in hands of a few competent people. Your father, Billy, you. I trust you. I trust you will continue what we started together. There was so much I wanted to tell you."

"I'll do my best, Ma'am" Lee's voice failed him, and he couldn't choke out anything more.

"You should have come earlier" she whispered again. "But I understand."

"No Ma'am, I…" Lee knew he couldn't lie anymore. He needed to tell her.

But it wasn't necessary. She knew. "I understand" she stressed. "Captain Apollo, I understand your reluctance of coming here, seeing me like this." She was smiling at him again. Knowing. Surprised. He couldn't answer that. "You're afraid, that's natural."

"Afraid?" All of the sudden he had no idea what she was talking about.

"Of me."

"No, I'm not…" he whispered weakly, not really able to argue with her. As if he was the one more drained of them two.

"Shhh. I understand" she insisted, drifting off into her own mind, her memories maybe. "I used to feel that way too. Tense in a presence of a dying person. It reminds people of their own mortality" she looked up at him again, "and that thought… scares them." He was silent. He didn't know how to respond. And she kept looking, and in a moment she continued talking in a faint whisper. "I know, Captain Apollo, that being a viper pilot, you're not supposed to be afraid of death, but… tell me… as a secret." She gave him that knowing smile of hers again, but he wasn't sure of her wisdom anymore. "Just between you and me. Are you really not afraid?"

Lee's gaze fell down on his lap. How was he supposed to tell a dying person, that he'd gladly switch places with her, and that it's sincere. How could he hurt her that much? She wanted to live! He couldn't give her that…

"See?" she whispered, taking his silence as a response  _she_ expected.

He looked up, and nodded silently. He couldn't force words from his tightly shut throat.

"I know a lot is going to change" she started speaking again, her voice getting smaller and smaller. "And I'm not just saying about me going away. There's so much more than that happening around. We won a major battle with the cylons, we have  _Pegasus_ , your father is an Admiral. There is so much going on. You all have to adjust" she was drifting in and out of the reveries of her mind. Suddenly her sight focused on his face, as she struggled to voice her last will to him and seemingly failed again. "I want you to remember about one thing. For you're the one with soul, you know where the heart of humanity lays. You're the one who must protect humanity. Oh, mighty Apollo, the shepherd of gods' herds, look into the future, and with the help of Pythia, who serves you, find our salvation. There's so much more I wanted to tell you" she repeated the phrase with the same indifferent tone she used before. Closeness of death gives people that indifference to reality.

But Lee knew better than that. She wasn't indifferent. Whatever those words meant, in her last hours she fought to remember the goal of the leaders of the Fleet. The concept beyond those words reminded him why he had always admired her. With her he didn't need to address the issue of Cain's assassination. He could simply think that if she decided to go through with that – it meant this was a right choice.

"I'm tired now" she whispered.

"Good bye, Ma'am Presidend."

"Good bye, Captain Apollo."

 

***

 **Chapter 8: Women**

***

NOTE: set after "Black Market".

*** __

 _Yeah, right. I should have told you about the woman. I should have told you about many things, but I never did. What would it change? And what would I tell you? Should I have brought her to dinner and introduced her to you? Absurd. She wasn't that kind of woman. But then – I don't really know_ what  _she was._

"You know, I should probably get going," Lee sighed.

"Already? You haven't finished your drink."

Lee rubbed his eyes. "Too much has happened today," he said softly. "I need to get some sleep, but first I have to take a look at the flight schedule, and some of the reports. I let it go because of that black market thing."

"Starbuck has been taking care of that."

"That's why I need to check it," Lee stated, getting up. He knew his father wanted to stop him, but Lee also knew exactly how far the Old Man would go in this matter. "See you tomorrow."

"Good night, son."

Duck told him Kara was most likely in the rec room. And yes, that's were she was. But there was no one else there beside her. Lee thought she'd be playing triad, or chatting and maybe pumping some booze with other pilots, but the rec room was deserted.

She occupied a table near the center, a chair facing the left wall. He could see her profile, but she didn't move to acknowledge his presence. Maybe she didn't notice him in fact.

There was an almost empty bottle on the table before her, and a glass. A glass she had apparently just emptied. Her finger wandered absently on it's rim. Lee wondered what she was thinking about. "A cubit for your thought", he could say, and she'd smile, and say, "A game of triad, and if you win, I'll tell you." And he would go along with it. And they would play, and laugh, because she would win of course, despite the lack of a single pair. And she wouldn't tell him, but then – did he really want to know?

They would simply spend time together, and that would be good somehow. That would be enough.

Then why was he standing in the hatch, not moving, not wanting to disturb her stillness? Was it something in her pose, something unfamiliar, that he'd never seen before? Something disturbing...

Kara lifted a bottle and poured herself another glass. After setting the bottle on the table she hesitated. Lee could see that very clearly – she wasn't sure if she wanted to dawn that one. But then she just nodded, swallowed contents in one gulp and slammed it back on the table, exhaling deeply.

And Lee knew he didn't want to get into that. He didn't feel strong enough to mess with Kara Thrace's problems – he was barely able to acknowledge his own. So he turned around and left.

"Captain." Dee's courteous greeting welcomed him in CIC a couple of days later. It was odd – Dualla was usually so much more chatty. Especially lately; Lee thought they hadn't spent as much time talking during the whole journey, as they did this last month. But then he thought that if he applied "lately" to the last couple of days – Dee was avoiding him.

 _Is this going somewhere?_ she had asked, and he hadn't given her an answer. There was too much on his plate already, without her having false hopes. Was he really so good at pretending, that it led her to believe there was something between them? Some emotional commitment? Because if he looked at it from her perspective, he could understand she was investing. While all he did was trying not to burden her with his nihilism.

That was a lie. He didn't behave like he did, out of sheer altruism. Quite on the contrary in fact – he realized he was incredibly selfish with her. And he wasn't ready to change that. Truth be told, he was glad Dee took her cue and stopped bothering him. That was what he wanted from the very start – to be left alone. Too bad Dee had apparently suffered from that, but there was nothing Lee Adama could do about it in his current state of mind.

"Captain, are you listening?" the President's soft voice woke him up. Yes, he was at a meeting with the President, concerning some mining operation they were about to commence. And Laura Roslin was still quite cold towards the Adamas after the way they dealt with the black market. He shouldn't add to her resentments

Focusing on the conversation about the planned military operation with regard to protecting the mining ship, Lee couldn't help but think, that Ma'am President was still remembering how late he came to her deathbed. And that it meant more for her than he'd initially assumed. She seemed indifferent then, but had she been in better shape, she would have let him know how deeply betrayed she felt. And understandably so

But Lee was happy she had been that frail, because what would he tell her? How would he explain himself? And now they hardly ever talked. That was good too.

 

***

 **Chapter 9: Scar**

***

NOTE: "Scar" was all about Kara, but what was Lee thinking? Here's what I think…

***

Kara was drinking too much, and Lee knew that. And he didn't do anything about it.

In fact, as long as she was doing her job – which she was – he didn't find it to be a problem. Everything was different somehow, with everyone onboard  _Galactica_ stuck in this asteroid field, with no option of FTL escape, attacked by cylon scouts over and over again. Everything seemed surreal, all pilots bunched together as often as they could, boozing their brains out, not even for a card game, but just to sit together, hear others' voices, see their faces. In a way it reminded Lee of the first cylon attack, every thirty three minutes… It was different on every level, except for the cylons participation in the event, but the feeling was the same. Hopeless, endless waiting for it to be over.

Even he – the CAG – chipped in those every-evening gatherings. He tried to work out CAPs and Alert Vipers in a way that would not let any pilot be left out of the meeting twice in a row. This became the most important point of the daily schedule – even more than the morning briefings.

He wasn't doing briefings anymore; he let Starbuck do those. He was still grounded, so it felt unfair to send those kids to combat, knowing that their CAG was safe sitting back. Stabuck was one of them, Apollo wasn't. He even stopped with his physical tests, he wouldn't dare taking away someone's precious spare time, to evaluate his yet another disaster.

He found a way to get over that. To get over his regret, self-loathing and disappointment. He was working. As much as he hated the desk work, it was the only way to get through the day. He realized he was getting slow with all the paperwork. A few months ago he was able to fly CAP, exercise, get all the reports in on time, and still get some decent sleep. Right now he wasn't able to get more than four hours of that per night, mostly not even as much. Lack of sufficient rest was probably one of the reasons his brain sometimes refused to work. Sometimes he was spending long minutes just staring at one page of a report, not able to understand a single word. That made him sit in his office for hours and hours. Luckily – in this mess, that their existence had become – nobody noticed.

Then there came the evening, and Lee was just sitting with his pilots in the rec-room, listening to their quarrels, jokes, complaints. That felt good, relaxing. As if their relaxation was somehow contagious. After an hour or two everyone was heading for their rack, or for another CAP, and Lee was going back to his office. Just to sit for a few more hours, gaping at the pages after pages, after pages.

Sometimes he missed flying. Sometimes hearing pilots talk on wireless made him feel even more empty inside. Their banter, or their terrified screams… when there was nothing he could do to help, not an order he could give to save them from their horrid fate.

On the evening when a new nugget – callsign BB or something – bought it, the rec-room was empty. Only Starbuck there, and a bottle of booze. Lee sat down at the table, without a word. She seemed in need for a company. They downed a few in complete silence. To BB. To the memory of BB.

"You know what gets me?" Lee started suddenly, not even knowing why he spoke. Maybe the alcohol started taking effect? "I know that in two weeks, I won't remember his face. I can't remember any of their faces after they're killed. No matter how hard I try, they just fade."

He didn't expect Kara to answer, but she fell into conversation with an odd statement. "I don't even remember their names."

Names. As Lee started listing the dead pilots call-signs, she spat some booze on him. This profanity somehow brought a smile. "It's not funny" he said, but he laughed. Then eerie grim humor made him want to cry, the mixture of emotions and alcohol so overwhelming.

"You know the President," Kara started the talking now. "The President says that we're saving humanity for... a bright, shiny future. On Earth. That you and I are never gonna see." Where did that nihilism come from? He thought he was the miserable one. "We're not. Because we go out over and over again until someday, some metal mother frakker is gonna catch us on a bad day and just blow us away."

Wow, he had no idea they were actually on the same page. The only problem was that he wasn't  _going out_ lately. But who cared? "Bright, shiny futures are overrated anyway" he told her, pouring them both another shot.

"That is why we gotta get what we can. Right now."

A good one. Get what we can right now. Whatever that meant, whatever that was. He had no idea what he wanted to  _get_ , but  _right now_ was where he lived. One day at the time. "I'll drink to that." He raised his glass. "To right now."

"So, why don't we?" she asked with a strange smile. Perhaps  _she_ knew what she wanted.

"Why don't we… what?"

She kissed him. So suddenly it sent shivers down his spine. She tasted like a peach. And she was warm. Alive. He let himself get immersed in her sweet warmth.

Then she pulled him, and – entwined with each other, stumbling on the hatch-stills – they rushed to the bunkroom. Hurry, hurry, her hands searching impatiently for his naked skin. He wanted that, he needed that. The quarters were empty, so it was enough to secure the hatch, and they were alone, just him and Kara. He couldn't believe it was happening! Him and Kara. Her soft skin – all his, her eyes looking at him, her mouth pressed to his, hungry, yearning, longing, wanting. Making him feel alive for the first time in months. Her palms on his back, her nails… Ouch! That hurt!

She pulled him harder. Harder. She lost the rhythm. She had her own pace, as if lost, as if… "Hey, what's going on? Kara, what's going on?"

"What's wrong with you, all right?" she cried, stopping. Waking up from the vivid dream she was in. "Okay, you know what? I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know." She pushed him, and got up. He let her.

"Hey, what about us?" he called, his hopes crumbling down.

"There is no us, all right?" she turned to him with rage. "I just wanted a good lay! There is nothing here! Do you get that? Nothing!"

Nothing. How could he expect…

"Sure."

"My gods!"

That's when he realized how much of a mess she was. How much bigger her mess was than his. When did that happen? How did that happen? How did he  _allow_ this to happen?

She was ready to run, he had to stop her. He needed her to stay with him, to tell him… He needed to repair it.

"Hey. Well, that's just great. Frak or fight, huh?" He was still angry. He needed to hold that back in order to help  _her_ deal with  _her_ anger "Okay, maybe I am just a quick lay. But, Kara, I'm also your friend," he added gently.

"I am hung up on a dead guy, okay?" she was so helpless despite all the fury. "And it is pissing me off! And I don't know what I'm doing!" At least she wanted to explain her actions. Or maybe he just choose to think that's what it was.

"Anders, right?" he sighed "On Caprica, the resistance fighter."

"Yeah, well, Samuel's dead so what does it matter?"  _Samuel_ she said.  _Samuel_. She said his name! She said it like… No! Lee couldn't allow himself to feel all the jealousy, he had to focus on  _her_.

"Kara please…"

"I don't need your pity, Lee!"

"You haven't got my pity!" he screamed, before he gave himself a chance to think. He just wanted to be wiser than her; tell her where all her misery came from, overanalyze it 'Lee Adama style'. "Listen, you are fine, you're fine with the dead guys. It's the living ones you can't deal with." He regretted those words the moment he said them.

And he got just what he deserved. A slap in the face.

She had never slapped him before. Punched – yes, hit hard, insulted. But never slapped. And then she pulled him, kissed him, confused him beyond any confusion he'd ever experienced, spun around, opened the hatch, walked off, and slammed it shut. She actually slammed the heavy steel door.

And Lee stayed behind. He wanted to follow her. He knew he should have, but all his strength suddenly left him. He felt completely drained, weak, shattered. He just sat on the bunk gods know how long, until somebody came back from CAP. Then he lay down, and lay there unmoving, staring at the bottom of the rack above. He had no idea when and how he fell asleep.

Scar was dead. Kat killed Scar. And she was glowing, so proud, so happy. But Kara stood up to that. Starbuck took all the glory and turned the celebration into the memorial of those, who gave their lives to protect the collective. It was a beautiful gesture, and very much in her style. She was so selfless. Not many people noticed that, but Lee knew her. He knew her, and he loved her – just for this. And for her courage. And for her love of freedom. And for her craziness. And…

She disappeared from the rec room when he was talking to the XO. Lee wanted to talk to her about her toast, about how she claimed not to remember the names… Why was she lying the other day? He wanted to talk to her about yesterday. It wouldn't be easy, but they needed to accept what happened. They needed to know what exactly  _did_ happen. Hot-Dog said he saw her going down to the exercise room.

"…did the right thing," Lee heard a male voice, as he neared the gym "called in your wingman. Okay? Scar's dead. You and Kat came back alive." It was Helo. And it was Kara with him there.

"That's not why I did it though," she said gruffly. "Can't get Anders out of my head. Can't get over this insane hope that maybe he's alive." Anders, Anders again. What is it about him, that he matters to her so?

"You got something to live for now" Helo told her softly. "Not just die for."

And Lee knew he could not get between them now. Kara needed consolation, and he was not the one who could give her that. So she found it elsewhere. That was good; better, because he wasn't really strong enough to be there for her. He tried, and where did that get them? Almost into the rack, though none of them really wanted that. And to a fierce argument. Almost to hatred.

No, if it had to be that way, let it be. She had something to live for. Let it be Anders. What matters is that she regained her will to live. He wanted that for her. He wanted that for himself too.  _We gotta get what we can_  – she said. What we  _can_ , not what we  _want_ – he understood the meaning of her words now. _We gotta get what we can. So why don't we?_

Early in the morning Lee had a meeting with his father in CIC. And Dee was there, as usual, at communications post. After the briefing, he approached her.

"I'm sorry," he started without a greeting.

"Sorry?"

"For being a jerk. I was a jerk. When you asked where was that going, and I…" he didn't finish. But they both knew what he meant. "I really was a mess" he explained. "And you knew that."

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have…" now she was embarrassed. That wasn't what he had intended.

"Hey. Not your fault" he tried to cheer her up, but it felt lame. Luckily she understood his good intentions.

"So" she smiled. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know," he smiled back. "Maybe… we should find that out? We're going back to the Fleet in a few days, maybe we could catch some r&r on Cloud Nine? See where it gets us?"

"Wow. Great."

"Fine."

"I'm…uh… Billy and the Prez already left, did they?" she asked and Lee didn't understand why. Or maybe he just didn't want to admit that he knew. "Guess I'm going to have to talk to him… you know. I guess I've been a bit of a jerk too," Dee confessed.

She was still dating Billy! How come he forgot that? How come he was this selfish idiot again? But when he looked into her shining eyes he knew he couldn't back out of it now. Frak! He frakked up once again.

But instead of admitting that, he returned her genuine smile, and waved goodbye. She was sweet. She deserved better than that.

 

***

 **Chapter 10: Scar: Kara**

***

NOTE: I apologize upfront – Kara is much more difficult character for me to analyze. She denies so much, she has no idea of her true motives… I still hope I can portray what I feel about her.

***

Kat's words were cruel, but they were true. Not this time. Not this time. Not this time.

Too many deaths. Too many friends, too many strangers. Billions were the mass, but those who died since the holocaust counted as more. Much more in Kara's mind. Every single BB counted as thousands before. And it was too heavy for her to bear any longer.

She wanted to be alone. And well, everyone understood that... except for the CAG.

At least he wasn't talking. At least he didn't point out, in that annoyingly soft voice of his, all the twelve things she screwed up this time. They were just sitting there, downing one shot after another. Just like old times. Once upon a time they could sit for hours and not talk. And be comfortable not talking. Maybe they could still…

But he had to ruin it. "You know what gets me?I know that in two weeks I won't remember his face. I can't remember any of their faces after they're killed. No matter how hard I try, they just fade."

As if she cared! "I don't even remember their names," she said, purposely trying to irritate him. He'd think she was so callous that she was able to get over all the dying with such ease. She could, couldn't she? She was Starbuck, buck, buck.

But he didn't say she was evil. Instead he tried to pretend he didn't remember them himself very well. He was  _so_  playing with her! He knew each and every one of those who died, he was their CAG, the worst in the history of CAGs.

She spat on him in a hilarious ritual gesture she'd seen somewhere, a long time ago. In that other life.

"It's not funny!"

Oh, but it was!

"Stop it already!"

It was so funny, so fraking funny. Everything was funny, people dying, people running away. Cylons must have laughed their guts out to see the leftovers of humanity in search of a mythical salvation that didn't even exist. The fraking Fleet, that the pilots were bound to protect at a cost of their lives, each worth a thousand of lives even before the cataclysm.

"You know the President says that we're saving humanity."  _That was funny too, wasn't it?_ "For... a bright, shiny future. On Earth. That you and I are never gonna see."  _Because it doesn't even exist. Or does it?_ "We're not."  _Because we're going to die. Because our job is dangerous._ "Because we go out over and over again until someday, some metal mother frakker is gonna catch us on a bad day and just blow us away."

Did he look surprised? Did she just find something to render the all-knowing Lee Adama spechless?

No. "Bright, shiny futures are overrated anyway," he said, catching her off guard.

Oh, right! How could she forget? He  _wanted_ to die. He told her as much. Oh, alright. So she wanted to die too. So they could be together in the afterlife. Frak. Was there even such thing as frakking in the afterlife? – she wondered, more and more amused. Perhaps it was even better than frakking in real life, but right now this was all there was. A little frak. Why not?

"That is why," she started seductively, "we gotta get what we can. Right now."

He looked up at her. "I'll drink to that," he said. "To right now." He was completely clueless! It was so sweet.

"So, why don't we?" she asked, enjoying his naiveté.

"Why don't we… what?"

 _Why don't I tell you? Why don't I show you?_

She kissed him. Her move startled even her, but when he responded with a slight parting of his lips, with a soft, warm breath on her tongue, she knew it was the right thing. She knew she wanted that.

So she grabbed him, and pulled him, and dragged him back to their bunkroom. Where they could be alone, and fulfill her dreams. Dreams of Lee loving her, really loving her. She couldn't remember how long those dreams had haunted her. Right now it seemed it had been forever. She dreamt of him whilst being with the Major, she dreamt of him while she was with Baltar. Damn, even Anders had something of Lee in him. Maybe even Zak, though Zak was an  _almost_ Lee – his brother. Zak died. Anders died most likely too. And Lee...

"Hey, what's going on?" He wasn't making love to her anymore. He was hovering above, just looking, watching. Why?

"What's wrong with you, all right?" she cried, and stopped. She knew what was wrong. He didn't die yet. "Okay, you know what? I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know." She pushed him, and got up.

He let her! But then he called angrily, "Hey, what about us?"

"There is no us, all right?" She turned to him in a rage. There couldn't be any 'us'! She was too much of a bad charm. So this  _wasn't_ about them, it was… "I just wanted a good lay! There is nothing here! Do you get that? Nothing!"

"Sure" he said. There was nothing there. Nothing that mattered for him.

"My gods!"

Why was he still there? Why wouldn't he just walk away and leave her? Didn't she tell him clearly enough that he was  _not_ what she wanted?

If he was not going to walk away, she was.

"Hey," he called. "Well, that's just great. Frak or fight, huh? Okay, maybe I am just a quick lay. But, Kara, I'm also your friend," he added gently, trying to stop her. What the frak for? Wasn't she clear enough? Did he need it in caps in front of his face?

"I am hung up on a dead guy, okay? And it is pissing me off! And I don't know what I'm doing!"  _And I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore._

"Anders, right?" he whispered "On Caprica, the resistance fighter." He remembered. So what?

"Yeah, well, Samuel's dead so what does it matter?" Nothing matters.  _It's_ not  _what I wanted from you Lee!_

"Kara please…"

"I don't need your pity, Lee!"

"You haven't got my pity!" he screamed. "Listen, you are fine, you're fine with the dead guys. It's the living ones you can't deal with." If he only knew how right he was!

She slapped him for voicing that truth. It was a truth she just couldn't handle right now!She couldn't handle not handling it. She wanted to kiss him, and she wanted to leave him. She wanted him to want her, and she wanted to go away.

She didn't know what she would be easier if she was just dead, like those men she'd onceloved.

She understood now, how he felt that day...

 

***

 **Chapter 11: Prodigal Daughter**

***

NOTE: set after "Sacrifice".

***

She almost killed him. She almost killed another man she… NO!

She  _almost_ killed him, because she  _didn't_ really love him. She didn't love him.

Upon return from  _Cloud Nine_  Kara went to the showers, changed her cloths and done hundreds of other nonsense things. She couldn't get herself to go down to the Life Station and ask how he was. But putting it off was a torture, so after two long hours she found herself in the waiting room. It was empty, and the nurse told her Captain Adama was still in a surgery.

So she left. She couldn't wait there; the torture was even harder to endure.

But she kept coming back and when she was finally told he was out of the surgery and resting… there was Dualla by his bedside. Dualla of all people! No wonder – she must have been devastated after Billy's death, so maybe she felt that being with Captain Adama, who survived, would somehow compensate for her loss? People tend to think in odd ways, and Kara didn't really want to dwell upon someone else's feelings – her own were too frakked up at the moment.

So she didn't come near to his bedside. She remained outside the curtained area for a while. For a long while, because she just couldn't make herself move away, she had to watch his chest rise and fall slightly.

But this long while got too long, when she heard Dualla's whispered words. "You have to stay, you have to really stay. I'll be here when you wake up." These weren't words of a concerned colleague. This wasn't the tone of an officer talking to her fellow coworker.

And then it hit her – all the rumors and suspicions suddenly clicked in her head, and Kara had to hold herself back with all the might she had left, not to run out from the Life Station. She walked out quickly, giving one last glance at the two of them.

Lovers. That's what the rumors were saying.

She didn't want to go back there, tried to convince herself, she could fill her days with flying, and doing all the jobs of acting CAG. At night she kept seeing his eyes. As he struggled to look back at her then, on  _Cloud Nine_ , as if he needed to make sure she escaped safely. It was impossible, but that's how she read his look. He was always forgiving her. Always. He even forgave her for killing his brother. Could he forgive her for almost killing him? Or maybe for  _not_  killing? Maybe he still wanted to die, maybe that's why he didn't take cover?

No. No she didn't want to think this way, it was wrong. He didn't want to die, he wanted to live. He had a reason to live: she saw him with Dualla. There was obviously  _something_. He fell in love with Dualla. He did. So he had a purpose to live now. It was Dualla.

She hated Dualla!

And then she couldn't stop herself from mooning around Life Station anymore. Hurting each time she saw Dualla there. But she deserved to be hurting! Pain was something she needed, to be punished adequately to her guilt. So she punished herself with the sight of Dualla tending to her Lee. Of her giving him water to sip, holding his head, stroking his hair, touching his hand. It pained her to see him so weak, so fragile. Lee was never weak and fragile. Lee was supposed to be strong.

And yet – he wasn't. She did that to him. She had to remind herself about that every day – many times each day – watching him struggle to get better, watching Dualla helping him to recover.

Until the moment when Dualla wasn't there. And he was obviously hurting, or… "Lee?" she was by his side, before she knew that.

"Dad…" he whispered weakly, not opening his eyes. "Thought I heard his… his voice."

"Yes" Kara whispered too, her heart breaking. She'd been here – just outside Life Station – really often, but she'd never seen the Admiral. "He was called off" she lied. Lee only nodded, and Kara felt the urge to explain the Old Man. "He has duties."

"I know" came soft reply. Then two forced breaths. And another whisper: "I'm used to it."

Tears stung her eyes. Poor Lee…

"Sir? May I?"

"Starbuck. What can I do for you?"

His voice was cold, expression almost hostile, but not really. Kara could tell he treated her differently somehow. But not like he blamed her. Not like he hated her for almost killing his other son. More like… he didn't know how to feel towards her. Like he wanted to hate her, but somehow… didn't.

"What is it Strabuck?" he urged, looking up from the papers on his desk.

He was busy, and she was disturbing – she realized. That made her tense, but she was not a coward and once she decided to do something, there was no way of stopping her.

"I'm sorry sir, but I just wanted to ask… And I'm probably the last person who should do that" she could admit that, because that was true, "but… I just think you should… Well…" she started stammering. So she wasn't as strong as she suspected after all.

The Admiral eyed her with a slight hint of impatience. "Well, maybe just say it" he urged in a way she had never heard him before.

But she had to push the hurt away.

Just say it. Yes, just say it. It's easy. "Have you seen Lee?" she just said it. And met his startled… and offended… gaze.

"I have" he answered slowly. Dangerously.

There was no turning back now, it felt like when she engaged a cylon Raider. No turning back. And that's probably why it was suddenly easier. "Does he know that?" Kara asked bluntly.

"What?"

"Was he conscious when you were there, did you talk?" she explained. And guilt took control of her again. "I know I'm not supposed to tell you anything, all of this being my screw up again, and… but…" She had to get back on track. She braced herself inwardly. What did she want to talk about? "I heard him say… Heard him say he's used to it. Used to you always being away, always being called on duty. I heard him say that, I heard Zak say that… Too many times." She choke. She nearly broke into tears at all those memories. "You should go there and sit there until he wakes up and sees you, and has a chance to talk to you. He needs you."

"Kara…" his voice was stiff. But she could no longer see his face, her vision fogged by tears.

She managed to stammer one more: "He needs you. I'm sorry I caused all that. I'm sorry." And she turned away and run out of his quarters.

Bill Adama was not the person to sit by someone's bedside, it was too disturbing. He loved his son, but seeing him suffer was one of the toughest experiences ever. Zak had died quickly. One blast and he'd been gone. That had been painful too, knowing they'd never talk again, he'd never see his boy's smile, read a letter full of over exaggerated comments about Flight School. About that extraordinary girl he'd met.

That girl… No, Bill didn't want to think about that girl. He didn't know  _what_ to think about her now.

So there was Lee. Cottle said his wound was serious, and he was brought in late – but not  _too_ late. Doc removed the bullet, repaired damaged tissues, gave the patient all sorts of medication. And he said that from the medical point of view everything should be fine. But Lee wasn't getting any better.

Bill remembered that ten days after being shot, he himself was back on duty. Weak, and in pain, but still able to do his job. It didn't seem to be the case with Lee. The boy was coming in and out from coma, and from what Cottle suspected – he simply wasn't fighting. He simply gave up.

This was not like Lee. This was not like Bill's son.

Sitting there and worrying was too unsettling for the Admiral. He fought the urge to get up, and leave more times than he dared to count. But he remained at his son's side for a few hours now. Lee should wake up, at least for a moment, just to look at his old man. Perhaps Kara was right, and his little boy just needed some encouragement from his Dad? Bill was willing to give it with all his heart.

"Dee?…" a soft whisper reached Admiral's ears. Dee? Why Dee?

"Son?" Bill gripped Lee's hand.

"Dad?" Lee's eyes snapped open, and recognition flared briefly. Then his eyelids fluttered, but a small smile remained on his lips. A grip against Bill's hand tightened for a moment and Lee fought to stay conscious. "Kara?" there came another whisper. "She made it?"

"Yes. Kara is fine" Bill answered, dumbfounded. Why was Lee asking about Kara?

"Yeah…" Lee sighed. "She tough. Will she… come?" he tried to open his eyes again. And when Bill didn't know what to say – after all Kara  _was_ here before, didn't they talk? – Lee nodded calmly. "It's okay. Tell her… not her fault." His voice weak and shattered, Lee still tried to say something. Like it was the most important message he was to deliver. "I should've… cover, but… I thought… Starbuck… and Apollo… would save the day again. We always do that y'know? So I thought… I'm sorry. Tell her I'm sorry."

"You'll tell her yourself" Bill urged, holding his son's feeble palm.

"Tell her" Lee mouthed, to tired to even whisper.

And then he just sighed and fell back to sleep.

Was that all he had to say to his old man? Bill was disappointed, angry that Kara put him through these long hours of sitting and waiting, and suffering at the sight of his son's suffering – just for him to hear the words that were spoken to  _her_. What was it about her? That extraordinary girl…

Bill checked the reports from the mission on  _Could Nine_ for the up-tenth time. And then he called Captain Thrace in.

"You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Yes, Starbuck. There was something in the report from  _Cloud Nine_ " he started and saw her face harden. But he had to do this. He needed some explanation. "When you started shooting… Did everyone take cover?"

Starbuck… No, not Starbuck. Kara. Kara stared at him, and strived to regain some control over her features. But they just wouldn't obey, as full range of emotions flared through her eyes, her trembling lips, fluttering nostrils. There was grief, pain, hurt, anger. But Admiral only looked, expectantly. He  _needed_ an answer.

"Lee didn't" she finally sputtered.

"Lee didn't" Admiral repeated. "And that's why he's lying there right now!" He didn't even predict how furious that would make him feel. Was it Lee's own stupidity that got him nearly killed? Maybe it would be better if it was really Starbuck's fault?

"That's very handy, to blame the victim of shooting" Kara hissed suddenly, and Adama looked up to her. Her pose was all respect – at attention, straight and formal. But her eyes were blazing. They could burn.

"It was nobody's fault" Adama said slowly. He realized he was losing perspective, he was getting personal. And though it was more personal than anything ever before, he had to stay focused. "It was an accident" he reminded, but she didn't seem convinced.

"Yeah" she whispered, and hung her head. Her switches of emotions were disturbing, but he knew exactly where she was now. He knew her that well.

"You're blaming yourself, Starbuck, I know that. But  _I do not_ " he stressed. "And I can assure you – neither does Lee."

She looked up, hearing this, her eyes ironic, full of anger, self-disgust and… hope. She didn't say anything though.

"Did  _you_ talk to him?" he asked after a moment as a realization dawned on him.

"I… I can't go there." She was so vulnerable. He couldn't recognize her… Where did her fighter spirit go away? "I can't. Not after what I've done."

"I think you should. And I think you will."

He knew very well that it wouldn't be easy to convince Kara to face his son, but he also knew, that they had to deal with it on their own.

 

***

 **Chapter 12: Reason To Fight**

***

NOTE: set after "Sacrifice". Lee's point of view. Kind of.

***

From darkness came light.

From silence came voices.

And faded away…

"…you have to stay…"

"…you have to fight…"

"…you have to live…"

There was a chance. He had a chance. Finally. To have it over with.

But they wouldn't let him.

They would call him. They would force him to stay. They wouldn't understand.

He had to stay.

Alright. So he had to stay. Somehow he understood it was important. Somehow he knew that if he didn't stay, She would feel guilty. Somehow if he died, She would feel responsible, and that couldn't happen. That was taboo. That was forbidden.

So he stayed for Her.

But he wasn't going to fight. He didn't have the strength to fight. Maybe if She came… maybe if he was able to tell Her it wasn't Her fault… Maybe then he wouldn't have to stay. Maybe She would let him go.

But he knew She wouldn't.

If She came, She'd be just one more voice telling him to fight.

And he didn't have the strength to fight.

"Are you awake? Maybe this is not the best moment?"

Lee struggled to keep his eyes open. His father was there. His father wanted something. It was so foggy. His father's face had this pleading expression.

"I'm… fine."

"I don't want to push you to anything, but it took me a while to convince her, and…" Her. Lee could hardly comprehend his father's next words. Her. It could only be  _Her_.

"It's okay" he whispered. "Let her in."

The curtain rippled, and through it came… Laura. Madam President. Her lips were smiling, but her eyes were hard. It didn't matter.

Lee squinted and turned away.

It wasn't  _Her_.

He heard rapid movements. The curtain's ripple and his father's voice calling "Laura!" It didn't matter. "I'm sorry about her" his father said softly, apologetically. "She's still upset. After what happened to Billy. I'm not asking you to understand, but she's… She's upset. She'll come to visit you later."

It didn't matter.

A familiar touch brought him from darkness. It always did. It was persistent.

"Lee?"

He looked at her silently. That's how they talked most of the time. He just looked.

"You have to fight. Doc says you're fine. The wound is healing just fine. But you have to pull yourself together. It's up to you. A lot is up to you."

Why was she there? Why was she so persistent?

So they had talked. A lot. So she had been supportive and helpful those past few months. She'd wanted to be helpful, but he hadn't really let her in. So she'd thought she'd been falling in love. Perhaps she had. It wasn't for him to judge. But then – there was Billy. They had broken up, but he had been on  _Cloud Nine_ …

On  _Cloud Nine_ …

What happened to Billy?

"What happened to Billy?"

She froze. She stopped lightly caressing his palm. She stopped talking. She was sitting there, staring. Her mouth opening and closing in silence.

She didn't start talking for a little while, and he didn't make it easier for her.

"What do you know?" she finally asked.

"That the Prez… is upset" he whispered.

She took a deep breath. And one more deep breath. "Billy died" she said in a clear voice. "On  _Cloud Nine_. He was shot." She kept looking him straight in the eye all the while she was talking. "It happened quickly, right in the aorta. He did not suffer. I lost him. I know I did lose him earlier, I know I did. But somehow it didn't make losing him again any easier. So I lost him twice, but this permanent loss is more difficult I guess. Even though he didn't belong to me. Technically. But the thing is… as it looks… right now. I don't want to lose you too. That would be too much. I can't lose you. So that's why, Lee, you _have to_ fight. You  _have to_ live. Do you understand?"

So he had no choice. So they made that choice for him again.

Somehow he knew Dee would eventually resuscitate him…

***

NOTE: Did you know that "Anastasia" meant "Resurrection" in Greek? Hmmm…

 

***

 **Chapter 13: Reunion**

***

NOTE: set before, during and after  _"The Captain's Hand"_.

***

He couldn't believe Kara! Well, it was obvious that she wouldn't want to talk about what happened, frak! he himself didn't want that. It was odd, he didn't know what he would tell her.  _"It's okay, I don't blame you"_ somehow didn't seem to be enough. Or maybe he knew she wouldn't believe it that easily, and it would cause more damage than good? Even if that was true…

No, her simple five-words-apology was something normal. Something predictable for Apollo and Starbuck. What he couldn't believe though, was the fact that she dropped all CAG duties back on him before he was even cleared for duty. And then she fled to  _Pegasus_ to run some "training program". So what if it was planned by the Admiral? It still seemed like her running away. It was even worse if his father was helping her with that.

He promised himself he wouldn't be thinking about her. When he was lying in that hospital bed, and she never once came, he couldn't help but feel bitter. He understood that – on a logical level. He had all the arguments in his mind – loud and clear. Her guilty feelings, her trying to avoid getting hurt… in the most foolish way. But somehow he didn't want this to be about her.  _He_ got shot,  _he_ was in pain. And for  _him_ it didn't matter  _who_ shot him.

But she wanted to make it about herself – as she always did – and this time he refused to play it her way.

Besides there was Dee. A friend – if you applied the definition of the word. A  _friend in need is a friend indeed_. She was with him when he needed a friend. It didn't matter that the feeling wasn't there on his side. She helped him get through, and for that he was grateful. So what if he still longed for Kara's friendship, not Dee's? And love. There was never love where Kara was involved, not for him; there was love from Dee. He thought that – given time – he would love her back.

If he could live for her, he could also love her.

So he tried to think of Dee, while shuffling through the reports with Kara's handwriting on them. It wasn't easy. Not even because she left terrible mess here. Not even because there were things that had nothing to do with the Air Group – like some drafts of a rescue mission to Caprica… She still thought about that? Lee pushed the thought of that Caprica resistance fighter aside. No, it was hard  _not_ to think about Kara, when she was in everything around him. Under his skin. In the sharp pain, when he moved his arm too rapidly, or even when he was writing too long.

And then – the Admiral wanted his transfer to the  _Pegasus_ , because Kara messed up again. Was anything in his life ever going to be  _not_ about Kara?

Well, some things were.

If you had a car crash, and were dealing with a post traumatic phobia, how would you feel if you were put behind a wheel of a truck? Or a bus, full of people trusting their lives into your driver's skill? Or better yet – a battlestar?

Lee Adama survived. Over two thousand people survived with him. And now it seemed he was to drive that monster permanently. And it wasn't any less scary.

Commander. How would he feel hearing that:  _"Commander Adama"_? Even now Lee was involuntary searching for his father, though the Old Man had been an  _Admiral_ for a couple of months.

" _Don't let me fail again_ " he said. What a burden! Lee had never asked for any of this! He was fooled, blinded by the Old Man's stories of the military. By his ambitions wrongly placed in both his sons. It didn't do any of them any good, at least Zak found peace and rest…

He shouldn't think that way. He shouldn't be that selfish. Situation now was all sorts of different than it had been when they'd been both young, when they'd both tried to get through the Academy, when they'd wanted to find their ways in life. Now nobody had what they wanted. And the remnants of civilization needed people like Lee Adama. Reliable, responsible. So he was going to give all he could – like he was doing so far.

But deep down inside he was terrified of what was ahead of him.

Officer's quarters were empty, and he blessed his lucky star. He was in no mood to talk to anyone at the moment. Packing his gear was about all he could endure.

"Hey." He heard a voice. Her voice. Kara's. "I thought you were on  _Pegasus_?" she asked, entering.

He took his time before he answered. Made his voice as steady as possible, and his demeanor much lighter than the dark void in his guts, he said: "Well, looks like I'm moving there for good. That means your temporary job as CAG becomes permanent" he tried to tease and it came out quite believable.

"Seriously?" He was rewarded with a small smile. Not the Starbuck Trademark one, but even this made him miss her already. Why the frak was she doing this to him? "What are you going to do there?"

"Command."

"As in… Command?" she asked looking at him incredulously.

"That's what I said, didn't I?"

"Whoa! You realize you're screwed?…

He couldn't stop wondering what she was doing to him. And usually when he least expected her to. When he really needed her, when he wanted her to be there for him, to help him – she was screwing up. But then, when he'd finally given up – she was back in full force.

This one small conversation made him feel better. This one small "Are we okay?" This one small hug. Not so small, really – he had to admit. It was huge, for the two of them. And it made a whole lot of a difference.

He felt lighter. Ten tones lighter.

And he needed to give her something in return. She deserved to be happy. He remembered those drafts of SAR to Caprica. He grabbed them from the CAG's office on his way to the hangar deck. Looked them over on his way to  _Pegasus_. A lot made sense there, though her planning skills sucked. But if he put his thought here and there… Plus they would need to convince the President and the Admiral.

Surprisingly the arguments started popping out in his head: what a boost that would be for the Fleet morale – and that would come handy before the upcoming elections; vital intelligence data about the cylons; maybe some information about the models they have not yet uncovered.

Before Lee even realized, he had it all planned in his mind. And a sudden spell of optimism made him smile. Genuinely, for the first time in months.

 

***

 **Chapter 14: Okay, Forever**

***

NOTE: Set during "Lay Down Your Burdens"

***

He could only blame himself now, couldn't he? He helped her get there. He supported her in front of the President and the Admiral. His battlestar provided the mission with supplies and equipment. Most of the raptors were launching from  _Pegasus'_ pods, and even the briefing was held here, under his supervision.

He sent her away.

It was the hardest thing he'd ever done.

Forty percent of the pilots left. The Fleet was defenseless. Well, maybe not completely, after all it was calculated, forecasted, pros and cons analyzed till the point of exhaustion. But still they needed pilots.

"What is it?" the Comander asked Major Balder, his XO, who called him to the CIC. Forty years old, tall, a little to thin, short hair. Riana Balder was as reliable as they get. And much stronger than she appeared. She was respected.

With a slight move of her chin she indicated Major Tayler, who stood a little to the side.

"Commander" Stinger spat. He still thought about his CO as a "daddy's boy". Lee doubted the man would ever get over his first – obviously wrong – impression.

"Can I help you Major?"

"Actually yes. I wanted to ask you to join the Air Group for the time when SAR is on Caprica. We need anyone who knows what to do in a cockpit. We need to man CAPs."

Lee blinked couple of times before he answered. Did Stinger just ask him to fly a viper?

"I'm sorry" he said, confused. "My flight status is revoked."

"I believe it's a matter of two tests" the CAG hesitated. Lee realized the man had no idea how long exactly it was since his Commander flew. But he wasn't going to admit that. Not to Stinger. "I asigned Case to evaluate your physicals" the pilot continued, unasked for, "but she's due on CAP in three hours, so if you could fit in before that…"

Lee just gave his CAG a glare. And Stinger shut his mouth.

"I'll do it when and  _if_  I have time" Lee said coldly. "If Case is not available, you'll assign someone else. Is that all? Dismissed."

As Stinger strode away, Lee looked into the amused eyes of Major Balder. She seemed to enjoy those little clashes between the Commander, and the CAG. Surprisingly it didn't annoy Lee. Maybe part of the reason she wasn't making him mad, was the fact that she was always siding with him in front of the crew. No exceptions. She was a perfect XO.

"Are you going to do this?" she asked in a low voice.

The Commander frowned. He honestly didn't know. Part of him felt excitement at the prospect of launching into the air once more. He did miss it. But then there was this unfamiliar odd uneasiness too. The image of countless stars, lack of any weight, emptiness... vacuum... He remembered.

And he feared.

"I don't know" he replied in a whisper, gazing around the CIC. It didn't seem to need his attention. And he wanted to escape from here, before his XO would notice his weird behavior. She may have been a good first officer, but she was no friend of his. And she could never be. "I have reports to file for the Admiral" he said. "You have the deck".

Lee tried to focus on the papers but the thought planted by Stinger kept edging in his head. He had to make a decision. And he had to make the right one.

It could be easy. He'd go to the Life Station for a medical evaluation – he still needed one. He was sure he'd get it, his doc – the medic trained by Cottle – was much more easy going than her teacher. She didn't even make it a problem to give him pain killers, the argument that his wounded shoulder was troubling him from time to time being enough. That was something Cottle would never settle for, but then – _Pegasus'_ stocks were indeed larger than  _Galactica's_.

Lee realized his thoughts were drifting away from the problem.

So he'd get the med evaluation, then he would pass the physicals… What if he didn't? That alone wouldn't put him in a good position in front of the crew that still didn't trust him. So he had to pass them. What if he did? He'd have to go out there…

And as he imagined once more, in the calmness of a solitary Commander's office, what it would be like to fly again – the loneliness, emptiness and fear – he realized that this part of him was indeed killed it that Blackbird crash. He no longer was a viper pilot.

His father really made a gesture, offering him the Commander position, and making it seem as though he deserved it. But then, Admiral Adama was a military for long many years, lots of that time in the command structure one way or the other. He knew people who served under him inside out. He knew his CAG wouldn't be flying anymore much sooner, than the said officer understood that simple truth.

Stinger was angry when his Commander said he could not consent to the CAG's request. He tried to aruge, but Lee had a few things inherited from his father – the Adama glare among all. One look was enough to shut Major Tayler's mouth. Commander was a Commander. And his thing was to maintain the whole ship. He didn't have time to play CAP.

The news about SAR's return was brought by Major Balder herself.

The shuttle was prepared and launched an hour later.

By the time Commander Adama arrived at  _Galactica_ , the hangar bay was nearly deserted, but for the deck-crew repairing the damaged raptors.

The only pilot left behind was Helo. Slouched against the construction pillar, the man stared ahead with a non seeing gaze.

"Lieutenant?" Lee approached him, his legs trembling, and his heart beating like crazy.

Helo's gaze slowly let go of the emptiness it was consuming, and rested on young Adama's face. The pilot blinked, and rubbed his face. "Sir." He straightened his pose, with a visible effort.

Thousands of questions galloped through Lee's head, before he choose one. "Where's everyone else?" his tone all business as always.

"The Admiral gave them some downtime before they would be debriefed. Starbuck is..." How did he know whom Lee was first asking about? "I believe she's in her bunkroom, showing Sam her home."

"She found him" Lee whispered, uncertain what the sudden burning in his stomach meant.

"The mission was successful" Helo commented.

That made Lee angry. Did this pilot think that all that mattered for the Commander was happiness of his personal friend? He was wrong, obviously!

"How many casualties? How many rescued?" Lee asked those more important questions. Upon receiving answers he asked one more. "Why are you sitting here, instead of hitting the showers and getting some downtime as everybody else?"

Helo gazed at him a long while before he responded sadly. "We brought a cylon with us. A cylon recognized by Sharon. But not mentioned. She let us get him here, and she didn't say a word. Somehow I know you were always right not willing to trust her. But on the other hand I'd like to strangle you for feeling that way about the woman I love. That's the worst part of it – I still love her."

Lee didn't think Helo expected an answer to that, so he decided to ignore the comment. "Go hit the shower, Lieutenant. That's an order" he said instead. And then he added softly to himself "And I'll go to meet Starbuck's new flame," semi aware that he actually said it.

That's why Helo's voice startled him. "I wouldn't do that if I were you" Helo said, and Lee turned abruptly. "I wouldn't do that" the pilot repeated. "They wanted to vent off some steam. Give them time, they missed each other."

Lee gave Helo a small smile. He missed Kara too.

He needed to see her.

***

.the end

 


End file.
